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Public restroom nightmare

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Public restroom nightmare

Postby Ted K » Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:24 am

Ok - so with my buck tag filled, I decided to spend the day with rosalie the five year old with one of the hunting vacation days I had planned this week. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said either golfing or bowling. I didn't really feel like bowling and the miniature golf courses are for the most part closed, so I figured I'd find a driving range and we would go there with her little clubs. We did that and it was fun. Afterwards we went to a diner for lunch. For some reason I had a hankering for some mountain dew, so I had about three or four refills - a decision I would shortly regret. We were having a good time.

I decided, helll, we are having so much fun making concoctions with ketchup sugar and pepper in her empty kids cups, that we should keep it going and go to a matinee. Head to the theater and find that puss and boots is starting at 2:30. We've got 45 minutes to kill.

I scan the area and see a dirty rundown trader horn on the other side of the lot. We head over. We are looking at some targets when I realize I gotta take the browns to the super bowl NOW!

I scan the place for one of the creepy lazy slow staff to get directions. I see one but she is engaged with a slow looking customer - still I figure waiting would be more effective than wandering around. Fortunately she saw the urgency of the matter and Rosalie and I were in flight to the mens room.

I burst through the dirty doors into the dimly lit bathroom. I see two stalls - perfect. I look in the first one and it looks basically clean so I send Rosie in to pee. I jump to the second - not as good - I was dealing with a remnants and floaters scenario. But, the green light is on and there is nothing I can do.

I frantically flush and watch long enough to confirm that it went down. At this point the pressure is intense and I feel myself losing control as I fumble with my belt. By the time I start pulling my pants down I start to blow.

I then pull off one of the most athletic maneuvers of my life. In one motion - and this is no exaggeration - I throw my boxers down, jump to a seated, position, as I am spewing liquid brown from a very ugly fountain. I swear I literally heard poop hitting water while I was still a foot above water.

The next 20 seconds consist of me peeing out the backside. Rosie said "are you peeing". I said "that ain't pee sweetie".

Finally after throwing this nastiness into the ten ring, I take a deep breathe and start to regain composure. Then it happens ....

.... As I am seated on the filthy toilet seat, unprotected by ass gaskets which I did not have time to employ, I feel a cold wetness envelop my balls. I quickly collected my junk and looked through my legs. A brown stew was slowly, but consistently rising. I needed to move quickly. "Rosalie. Get out of that stall and leave the door open." she had to get buttoned up first which was taking valuable seconds. "sweetheart, please, get out of that stall". Finally she does.

Then this five year old had her childhood taken away from her prematurely. She lost her innocence today after what she witnessed. I had not time to think, I had to move quickly. I reached down and grabbed my pants, as I did not want to drag them on the filthy floor. However, I also knew that I had chit all over me and could not pull them up. Consequently, I shuffled from one stall to the next, bent in half, in a public restroom, covered in my own mess, and with a five year old watching.

I had hit rock bottom, but I could not relax as I knew the levels were still rising next to me. I shot some more out and quickly dove into clean up. I scraped and wiped as thoroughly as possible - hoping to eliminate as many herpes spores from taking hold as possible. Jumped out of the stall and quickly washed my hands.

As I walked through those doors, I remember thinking this must be how our soldiers felt when they were air lifted off the battlefield after the Tet offensive in Vietnam. As the door closed behind me, I heard liquid starting to hit the floor. And then I was face to face with a worker headed in.

I thought about warning him; fessing up perhaps. But then thinking about how filthy that place was, I decided to surprise him. I smiled and winked and waved him in past me ........ And then rosalie and I high tailed it out of the store into the dark refuge of the movie theater.
Ted K

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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby Mann » Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:33 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: So how was the movie? Did ya get her some popcorn? :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby topcamp » Fri Nov 04, 2011 6:58 am

we need a new forum for this one........tmi......... :o :roll: ..........
the more we know about the " how " and the " why " of..........the less we see and notice about the " now " of the " when "...
_tc...on the inflation of life

on that day.......you wake up and never more what was .......will ever be again.
_tc on growing old
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby Bender » Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:02 am

I hate it when that happens.
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby Howattman » Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:40 am

Well, at least you didn't shit yourself...... ;)

By the way, I think the proper term for the sensation you were experiencing before erupting like a rootbeer dispenser is "crowning". Or maybe "praire dogging". Or having a "peeker".
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby 4nolz » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:14 am

I think the girls from "2 girls 1 cup" had similar bathroom experiences as children........ :mrgreen: :o
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby 4nolz » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:16 am

well written-I felt like I was right there with you.
there are 2 dates on your marker.Your life is the dash in between.
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby Feral Donkey » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:22 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: This is getting stickied!
Lord of the Hooligans.

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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby bearauto11 » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:58 am

4nolz wrote:well written-I felt like I was right there with you.

Me too. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as Nolz did, though. :o :(
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Re: Public restroom nightmare

Postby Stykshooter » Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:04 am

I had a similiar situation several years ago. I was on my way to the station to drop the kids of at the pool when we got a call of a B & E in progress. I responded to the business and about the time I walked through the door I had reached critical mass. a massive miscalculation on my behalf. Knowing it is going to be hard to explain and even harder to live down with the co-workers, shitting yourself while on a call in uniform I did the mad, semi-paniced dash around the office area trying to locate a bathroom. Still trying to maintain an appearnace of professionalism mind you. I finally located this tiny 2' X 2' closet that they had designated as a bathroom. At least it had a toilet in it. Try dropping your trousers, along with a 23 pound gun belt, belt keepers and keeping your uniform shirt and vest tails out of the way as you are literally exploding.

That is such a welcome relief when you know you have finally made it. Ghengis Khan himself could have walked through the door of that closet at that time to cut my head off and I would have died happy.

By the way, you can probably get your daughter's therapy sessions at least partially covered through the Employee Asistance Program through your insurance.
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